Sunday, May 06, 2007

And Now it's May

I had a woman friend tell me just yesterday that May was much like December, as far as demands on a mother. I have to agree with her. The years activities are coming to an end and with it, much work and last minute festivities.

Still, of course, that is no excuse for my having been completely absent so long from here. And I am humbled, grateful and touched that so many of you have written to make sure I'm OK. Thank you.

The truth is, I'm not sure how to proceed with this blog. I never really intended for this to be a place that I mainly wrote about my daily activities, and yet that's what it sorta turned into.

The thing is, I have deep, strong convictions. But I don't like controversy. How's that for a contradiction? There have been several posts that I've typed out that are still sitting in my draft box because I knew it would ruffle feathers (no one that I know personally here, but in general).

Also, I'm not the person now that I was years ago. And while I realize that not many of us are, it feels almost hypocritical of me to post strong opinions of basic things that I *didn't* *do* *myself* at one point.

One example is my marriage. It was Rocky for the first 10 or so years. The R in Rocky is capitalized on purpose. I was not the wife I should have been (and neither was Mike the husband he should have been, but this blog is about me :). And I so wish I had had someone with life experience to help me, but I didn't.

Would I have listened? Probably. At least in a way.

Because over the years I've found that, even though the young may argue a point at the time, when they have some time alone to think about why things are going wrong, they hear the voices of those they respect.

In other words, all the times that you've wondered if you're wasting your breath, you weren't.

But to tell my experiences here, to make it real, I have to also tell why I'm convicted of this or that. And the why is usually not so pretty. It's embarrassing to tell about ourselves in a semi-public forum and not spiff it up a bit.

It's easy to say "my marriage wasn't great" but much more vulnerable and scary to tell the details of why. But probably with much more impact.

And let me just say that I'm using marriage as an example. It's certainly not the only area that I've learned from my mistakes.

So I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I'm just not sure where to go from here. :) I want to still be here and post about this or that daily thing, but I also, not want...but feel convicted to also have the courage to dig up the dirt and lay it all out to dry.

Anyway, that's where my head is at the moment. Well, there and sub-divided into all the end of the year activities.


Sharon said...

Just write what's on your heart and don't worry about controversy. There will always be someone out there that will disagree with you.
Think about all the controversy Jesus stirred up.
It's one thing to intentionally cause controversy and another to just spill your heart.
There are those of us who will love you no matter what. Those are your true brothers and sisters in Christ.

Michelle said...

Sharon, your comment really touched me. Thank you for your words of encouragement.